Well, guess its been a couple months, and here I am. About a month and a half ago my sister in law suggested that we use our FB motivation page and start a Wellness Challenge. So the Running Commando Wellness Challenge was born. Although my weight loss has been painfully slow, I love having the support of a group of people! We set it up as a two month Challenge, and we are just starting week 6. So far I am down 15 lbs, but lately have been plateaued big time. But I'm a fighter, I will survive, I'm gonna rock dat bitch! I love motivating and encouraging others, it also helps keep me focused on my own journey, and keep me motivated as well. I guess its also provided me with an opportunity to move my focus from being unemployed and getting nothing but "thanks but no thanks sweetheart" emails from my applications. Nothing like trying to find a job to make you lose any self esteem or self worth you ever had. (Warning, rant about to commence) I have an Associates degree, a Bachelor's degree, and will be completing my second Bachelor's degree this June, yet apparently I'm not qualified to do anything. Seriously, I can't even get a call back from factories. Grrrrr....
So about a month ago my crazy ass decided to move up my training goal of doing a Half Marathon. Originally I was set to do my very first Half Marathon on October 26th. But I felt like I was ready to push myself, so I traded up from doing a 10k race on the last day of August to doing a Half Marathon. It ended up being one of those runs where everything hurts, I felt sick through the whole thing, and really did not have my running mojo at all. But I still finished, 14 minutes off my goal time, but I finished. For some reason, I'm having a lot of trouble being proud of myself. I tell my brain, we ran 13.1 miles!!!! That is crazy, and something that I could have never even dreamed of doing a year ago. But the brain replies, "but you didn't meet your goal, you should have done better". My brain is kind of a dick sometimes. I want to be proud of me, but I keep feeling like I failed. I am doing a new training program for my next half, based on the book "Run Less; Run Faster". This has been week one of the training and holy rusted metal batman, I hate it! I hurt everywhere. So I think that means I'm getting results! But I have a starting point for my next race, a place to move forward from.
Life has gotten weird. In the last few months, I have become an aunt again, a great aunt, and my mom has been diagnosed with cancer. I get the feeling that there is some big cosmic joke being played out in my life. Its like one thing always has to one-up the last catastrophe. I'm glad I don't have a dog, cause I'm pretty sure that would be the next thing to go. My car has been going to hell in a handbasket lately, held together by duct tape and prayers at this point. This whole year has made me feel like I'm in limbo. I can't plan anything, can't do anything, I don't know what's going to happen from week to week. Being a bit of a control freak, feeling so out of control of my own life has been driving me crazy. I don't want to make plans, because I keep thinking "well, what if I find a job before then". I don't want to spend money, because let's face it unemployment barely makes the bills, and my savings has been shrinking not growing. People have been telling me how great I have it, not going to work everyday, no cares in the world. But the truth is I want nothing more than to have a job, and know that I have a steady paycheck to count on. Even my dreams have been plagued by my jobless woes lately.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Star Date: Ummmm...so I don't know how to judge celestial time, don't you look at me in that tone of voice! Well, still running, unemployed and fat. A few months ago (pre-unemployment) I started a page on Facebook to motivate and support people trying to live healthier lives. I have really found comfort in it, searching out motivational materials to post, celebrating even the little victories, having people to get feedback from. This next weekend most of us are getting together to run a 5K adventure race [think running with mud and obstacles]. I am truly excited for it. This will be my first adventure race, and I think I'm gonna like it.
What I have found recently though, is that my little green monster has been poking his head out a lot more lately. I have been envious. I covet people's weight loss successes, their ability to run a whole lot faster than me seemingly at the very beginning of their running careers. Diligently I have tried to quiet the monster, reminding him it is not competition, that its easier for some and harder for others, but still he persists. It is a bit draining, in truth. Standing in the glow of others' successes and being happy for them, but that light also casts a shadow on your failures. I am happy for my friends' accomplishments, and I know they put in a lot of effort. But that voice in my head also hates them, or rather hates me that I can't seem to get to that level of success.
With all this time on my hands lately, I had this ideal that I could focus on my health, get my weight down, increase my fitness level, get my running times down. It hasn't really worked out that way. For the better part of this year I have been fighting this black shroud which has engulfed me and doesn't seem to lift. There have been days where the sun peaks through, and I begin to feel like my old self again, but those moments pass. There have been weeks, too many of them, where I can't even get out of bed. I think I need to have purpose in my life, I need to have structure and guidelines. Being without a job, and struggling trying to find a new job, this has really crushed me. Probably a lot more than I admit to anyone around me. Most days, I just feel lost...like I have no place in this world. Nothing is so humbling like trying to find a job. The battle between desperately needing work, and sifting through mountains of job prospects is so completely overwhelming. I spend most of my day just being terrified, going over the "what ifs". This be the land of monsters and madness.
What I have found recently though, is that my little green monster has been poking his head out a lot more lately. I have been envious. I covet people's weight loss successes, their ability to run a whole lot faster than me seemingly at the very beginning of their running careers. Diligently I have tried to quiet the monster, reminding him it is not competition, that its easier for some and harder for others, but still he persists. It is a bit draining, in truth. Standing in the glow of others' successes and being happy for them, but that light also casts a shadow on your failures. I am happy for my friends' accomplishments, and I know they put in a lot of effort. But that voice in my head also hates them, or rather hates me that I can't seem to get to that level of success.
With all this time on my hands lately, I had this ideal that I could focus on my health, get my weight down, increase my fitness level, get my running times down. It hasn't really worked out that way. For the better part of this year I have been fighting this black shroud which has engulfed me and doesn't seem to lift. There have been days where the sun peaks through, and I begin to feel like my old self again, but those moments pass. There have been weeks, too many of them, where I can't even get out of bed. I think I need to have purpose in my life, I need to have structure and guidelines. Being without a job, and struggling trying to find a new job, this has really crushed me. Probably a lot more than I admit to anyone around me. Most days, I just feel lost...like I have no place in this world. Nothing is so humbling like trying to find a job. The battle between desperately needing work, and sifting through mountains of job prospects is so completely overwhelming. I spend most of my day just being terrified, going over the "what ifs". This be the land of monsters and madness.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
I think I'm in an abusive relationship with my scale.
It all started, well my whole life. Early on in my youth I turned to food for comfort, and we all know how that usually ends up. So fast forward some years and here I am in my early 30s terrified of the monster hiding in my bathroom closet.
In March of this year I ended up losing my job, since then I've been in kind of a tailspin. I've never been unemployed before, and having what you thought was a great opportunity in your career suddenly end in a crushing pile of tears and regret (as you can see I'm taking it well) has added a great deal of stress to my life. I have always been the one who focused on my job/education, well cause face it, I wasn't the thin girl, so I had to be the smart girl. Finding myself in a precarious position of no job, and not being able to find a new one, I was sinking deeper and deeper.
I had been an on again off again runner in the last year, I would do it for a couple months then stop. This winter I had accepted a new job which involved a longer commute and more hours at a desk, and I had packed on the pounds. When I stopped talking to my scale in January, I was at 196. Mind you I'm a whole 5'1", so that's a lot of weight on a small frame. I got very good at pretending not to notice none of my clothes fit me. Fast forward to March, and my life altering day. After a few weeks of being utterly shell shocked and shut down, a friend of mine apparently noticed. She invited me to do some volunteer work for an organization that puts on race events. And I started to remember why I had always gone back to running over the years. It made me feel strong.
I am back to running now, I have put in over 200 miles since February. I am training for my first half-marathon in October, I have a few 5ks and a 10k coming up. I was doing pretty well at recovering some of my self-worth up until a couple weeks ago. I got on the scale for the first time in 4 months. I almost cried. All the work I had done, all the training, and I had lost only 3lbs. I can't even delude myself that my clothes are fitting better, cause frankly my jeans are still pretty tight (better than they were though). Demoralized doesn't begin to describe my emotions. I would love to say that I could just go out and buy supplements and all organic food and produce, but I'm broke. I'm barely scraping by, and I can't even afford to drive to the gym anymore. I hate that this is so hard for me, and with others it seems like the pounds just melt off effortlessly. I hate that I let myself get to this weight in the first place. Most of all I just hate this constant feeling of being a failure in my life.
So now I am going out for a run, because right now, this is the only thing keeping me together.
It all started, well my whole life. Early on in my youth I turned to food for comfort, and we all know how that usually ends up. So fast forward some years and here I am in my early 30s terrified of the monster hiding in my bathroom closet.
In March of this year I ended up losing my job, since then I've been in kind of a tailspin. I've never been unemployed before, and having what you thought was a great opportunity in your career suddenly end in a crushing pile of tears and regret (as you can see I'm taking it well) has added a great deal of stress to my life. I have always been the one who focused on my job/education, well cause face it, I wasn't the thin girl, so I had to be the smart girl. Finding myself in a precarious position of no job, and not being able to find a new one, I was sinking deeper and deeper.
I had been an on again off again runner in the last year, I would do it for a couple months then stop. This winter I had accepted a new job which involved a longer commute and more hours at a desk, and I had packed on the pounds. When I stopped talking to my scale in January, I was at 196. Mind you I'm a whole 5'1", so that's a lot of weight on a small frame. I got very good at pretending not to notice none of my clothes fit me. Fast forward to March, and my life altering day. After a few weeks of being utterly shell shocked and shut down, a friend of mine apparently noticed. She invited me to do some volunteer work for an organization that puts on race events. And I started to remember why I had always gone back to running over the years. It made me feel strong.
I am back to running now, I have put in over 200 miles since February. I am training for my first half-marathon in October, I have a few 5ks and a 10k coming up. I was doing pretty well at recovering some of my self-worth up until a couple weeks ago. I got on the scale for the first time in 4 months. I almost cried. All the work I had done, all the training, and I had lost only 3lbs. I can't even delude myself that my clothes are fitting better, cause frankly my jeans are still pretty tight (better than they were though). Demoralized doesn't begin to describe my emotions. I would love to say that I could just go out and buy supplements and all organic food and produce, but I'm broke. I'm barely scraping by, and I can't even afford to drive to the gym anymore. I hate that this is so hard for me, and with others it seems like the pounds just melt off effortlessly. I hate that I let myself get to this weight in the first place. Most of all I just hate this constant feeling of being a failure in my life.
So now I am going out for a run, because right now, this is the only thing keeping me together.
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