Star Date: Ummmm...so I don't know how to judge celestial time, don't you look at me in that tone of voice! Well, still running, unemployed and fat. A few months ago (pre-unemployment) I started a page on Facebook to motivate and support people trying to live healthier lives. I have really found comfort in it, searching out motivational materials to post, celebrating even the little victories, having people to get feedback from. This next weekend most of us are getting together to run a 5K adventure race [think running with mud and obstacles]. I am truly excited for it. This will be my first adventure race, and I think I'm gonna like it.
    What I have found recently though, is that my little green monster has been poking his head out a lot more lately. I have been envious. I covet people's weight loss successes, their ability to run a whole lot faster than me seemingly at the very beginning of their running careers. Diligently I have tried to quiet the monster, reminding him it is not competition, that its easier for some and harder for others, but still he persists. It is a bit draining, in truth. Standing in the glow of others' successes and being happy for them, but that light also casts a shadow on your failures. I am happy for my friends' accomplishments, and I know they put in a lot of effort. But that voice in my head also hates them, or rather hates me that I can't seem to get to that level of success.
    With all this time on my hands lately, I had this ideal that I could focus on my health, get my weight down, increase my fitness level, get my running times down. It hasn't really worked out that way. For the better part of this year I have been fighting this black shroud which has engulfed me and doesn't seem to lift. There have been days where the sun peaks through, and I begin to feel like my old self again, but those moments pass. There have been weeks, too many of them, where I can't even get out of bed. I think I need to have purpose in my life, I need to have structure and guidelines. Being without a job, and struggling trying to find a new job, this has really crushed me. Probably a lot more than I admit to anyone around me. Most days, I just feel lost...like I have no place in this world. Nothing is so humbling like trying to find a job. The battle between desperately needing work, and sifting through mountains of job prospects is so completely overwhelming. I spend most of my day just being terrified, going over the "what ifs". This be the land of monsters and madness.